Stevie, the metre-long cuddly crocodile made by Mormor
Stevie, as drawn by Freya
Author Archives: jon
I Think I Just Got A Good Job
There was an announcement on the website of Swedish publishing-house, Natur och Kultur, the other month, asking for people interested in the English language to work for them on a freelance basis. While they produce all kinds of books, this particular post was for their School text book section (if one such section actually exists). I applied, and, after much communication and sending them past work and stuff, I got a green light for an exercise I was asked to do for a class 8 textbook.
This is madness, just in itself, but I was asked to a meeting today to talk about another project. It appears that two authors of a series of English schoolbooks called Spotlight have apparently been unable to continue working together; they wanted me, along with another Brit, to write the non-existent year 5 Spotlight books.
I have to write that again: they want me to co-write a book to potentially be used in schools across Sweden.
That is absurd.
I just have to make sure that my co-writer, Fiona, and I don’t end up hating each other, and that we can complete the first unit in the book to NOK’s approval, and I should be a published writer.
I shall save any further musings until this insane situation is nearer realisation, but it’s all quite exciting, nonetheless.
The Fly Incident
We are up in Jämtland on our annual holiday, and I’ve just been part of something that for many would be a once in a lifetime experience.
The family were at the local “byakamp” (where teams from local villages compete in a sort of pentathlon type thing), and were sitting outside having a few drinks. A fly landed casually on my arm, walked about a bit, and then departed, leaving a very small poo in its wake.
I have never studied fly-poo before, but I am almost certain that is what it was. Maybe it had contracted leprosy and left behind one of its feet or a chunk of abdomen, but it looked round and definitely poo-like.
I feel slightly violated, or at least degraded by this event. Flies do not understand the niceties we humans expect of each other, and it was only doing what comes naturally, so I feel no malice towards a creature that is probably now long dead; however, being literally shat on is unpleasant, however it occurs.
We Come Four
Today we welcomed another little being into our world: Zelda.
Even though this is the second time, it truly is one of the most surrealistic situations, to see one’s own child for the first time. It is so real, and yet so very, very bizarre, and it almost felt like she didn’t belong here.
I hope this all turns out to be an exciting adventure for you, Zelda. Just don’t take it all too seriously.
We Have At Least One Complete Idiot Living In Our Block
It’s early morning. I’ve just gone out of our front door with Freya when I notice a note under the windscreen of our car. I take it, suspiciously, and read its content. Almost instantly, I get a huge rush of adrenalin which keeps me way over the edge of calm for the entire time I am out with Freya, and well into the afternoon.
The neighbour who lives two floors under me has written me a condescending letter, accusing me of hitting, and damaging, his tow-bar. His evidence for this is:
a) My car is parked behind his;
b) My registration plate, like the rest of the car, is old, and has a few small dents of some kind on its surface.
I met the guy in the lift the very same day, when the worst of the adrenalin had worn off, telling him that I was frankly upset by his letter, the tone, and the accusation based on the merest of happenstance. Our beloved Volvo is nearing 30 years old, and, having been in ownership for a year or so, cannot be held responsible for the previous owners’ driving ability.
He was initially angry (Why?), and did not appreciate my advice that before accusing someone, evidence should be accumulated. Why this idea, innocence before being proven guilty, made him incensed, I do not know. I believe he is Polish, so that might have something to do with it.
Anyway, he eventually reached out his hand in peace, which I reluctantly took. I shall always do the neighbourly thing if he is ever in need of help, but my opinion of him is at an all-time low. He is a moronic twat, imbecilic shitbrain, cock, fuckface, who is not worthy of my brainergy, and yet he has caused me to dislike him like I have disliked very few people. Cunt.